Pain

My physical pain, my psychological pain, these are eased by the many pharmaceutical products I have been prescribed. They dull the pain but not the senses, contrary to popular belief. Chronic pain cannot be explained to those who have never experienced it. It changes so many aspects of life: what you can do and when. If it is severe, it creates psychological manifestations that are equally distressing. The depression, the frustration and the loneliness are isolating. We seek the company of those who understand on message boards and in support groups. We try to present a picture of normalcy to the rest of the world. If that fails, we retreat. Like turtles we pull the vulnerable parts inside a shell of armor and hide.

The most severe damage can occur to the psyche or is I call it, the soul. The constant performing, trying to invoke the power of mind over matter is very draining and impossible to sustain. As limitations increase, the pressure inside builds. I struggle to control the beast. The beast is the totality of pain and the resulting inability to do what I want and need to do. A blind rage simmers under the surface. It struggles to break free, to release some of its power. I struggle to contain it, to find ways to ease its pressure without damaging those around me. It's poison has no boundaries, no words too harsh, no actions unjustifiable. It is a monster and now, it is me.