Just Hear Me Out

OK. Somebody has to say it. I've been waiting for some brave soul to step up to the podium and make the announcement. Silence. OK. Here we go; stop going to funeral visitations.

We'll take it step by step.
1) If you are going because you feel you have to, stop  If it is a relative of a coworker, client, patient or customer; this means you. If it is someone whose family has probably never heard of you, often with good reason, don't go. If it is well publicized, especially tragic or scandalous, don't pretend. You're morbidly curious; perfectly understandable...... Stay home.

2) You think someone will be hurt if you don't go. Grieving families are usually so overwhelmed, they will not miss you. If you absolutely have to show up, sign your name in the guestbook, do a quick pass of the room and move on. If asked, you can truthfully say you were there.

3) If the parking lot is full and people are walking over from nearby businesses; keep right on going.

4) If you possibly can, go to the funeral. This is the place where sheer numbers count. How many people attended the service and more significantly, how many cars in the funeral procession.

5) If you're going just to see the body, you have more issues than we can get into. Find a therapist..... a really good therapist.

6) Years ago, funerals were multi-day affairs. People were spread out and it could take a few days to get  together. Now, a visitation is usually somewhere between four and six hours. Ideally, this should be time that those who knew and cared about the deceased and his or her survivors can share their grief. The last thing they need or want is having to put on a brave face and make small talk with strangers.

7) All of the attention is focused on the first few days. To be really thoughtful, send a card or a note to a few weeks later. In this case, even if you didn't know the deceased, you can let someone know that you care. The hardest part of grieving is that it's long and difficult and the rest of the world moves on. Grief can be very isolating. Often, we think about calling or writing, we're just not sure what to say. That's OK. It doesn't have to be profound  because in that moment, you have done what most of the others have not. And it does matter, much more than standing in line at a funeral home when time is short and demands on the family are many. In the end, we all want to feel like we've expressed our feelings to those who have suffered a loss. Maybe being one of a couple of  hundred people in a line  is not the best way.

8) If you absolutely know for a fact that there will be very few mourners: a small family, someone who has outlived their friends, etc ....go. One of the saddest things in the world is a handful of people, a couple of flower arrangements and a casket in a big empty room. You will know instinctively when this is the case and you will try to think of any excuse not to go. Go. You'll be glad you did.